Today…….tears.
You don’t know me so none of this really matters. I’m sick. In 2000 I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I have also had breast cancer four times. Two years ago they told me I would be dead by Christmas. I am still here. s a result of all of this I have bad days, really bad days! This weekend has been one of those really bad days. I can’t breath and my lungs hurt, I cry and pray for the death they promised me. My sons are getting older although, still very young. I can’t handle the pain anymore and hate their faces when they see my pain. That pain, that pain hurts more then any physical pain I have ever or could ever experience. I can’t take that pain, I want to die. Please God, I want to die
I know it doesn’t help, in fact, I know it makes it worse, but hey, that’s what friends are for, right? BUT I’m glad you are still around.
i too have severe fms, since 2001. i went from being active, outgoing with many friends–at least i thought they were friends–to being almost bedridden much of the time. i rode and trained horses since i was very small, and even worked as a police officer for almost five yrs. now i walk with a cane, and cannot even drive myself to the grocery store. but…i have learned there are compensations. i have a wonderful live-in boyfriend–we had been dating less than 6 months when i was diagnosed–and the friends who stuck by me are truly friends. i too have days when i cry and wonder if it is worth it anymore, but i made a promise to myself that if i ever decided that i no longer had any meaningful quality of life—and i do not believe in prolonging life just for the sake of breathing!!!–i would not make the irrevocable decision on a “bad day or days” but tough it out until i could make the decision with a clear head. i am in my mid 40s, and do not have children to think about, mine are grown and we have been estranged since they were in their teens, due to a messy divorce, and a manipulative father. thank goodness, no matter how much i have wanted to die sometimes, so far i have bounced back and found reasons to continue. no one who has not had chronic pain can understand how draining it is, and how much it eats away at your soul. before the fms, i had suffered from basilar migraines–they mimic a stroke and are the most painful type of migraine–since i was 21. no one can make the final decision for you, nor do they have the right, but the world would be a little darker without you in it. if you need to talk, contact me at tiggnrazz@yahoo.com heather
Thank-you for your personal insite. I know I need to fight for the sake of my children. On those days when my body screams in pain from the fibro and my lungs scream for the radiation damage it’s hard to find the strength. Sometimes just voicing the surrender helps me not surrender.