Again…why?

sharifisher — Thu, 27 May 2010 06:52:47 +0000

I just finished up another round of intensive radiation. And I’m asking myself why. I’m sick I’m weak and pretty much useless. I have been fighting depression and suicide all of my life. So…..why did I bother to put myselg through this again. The doctors have told me there’s no hope.

The faces on my children when I’m sick like this are heart breaking.I can’t keep puting them through this it’s not fair. They deserve better then this. They deserve happier lives. All I’ve given them is heartache and worry and sacrafice.

Gee what a great mom.

It’s been awhile

sharifisher — Sun, 16 May 2010 18:51:05 +0000

I haven’t written in a while. It’s funny I thing it’s been at least a year if not two and nothings changed. I’m dealing with cancer again. I can’t have a mastectomy because of the damage from the experimental treatment and the damage done to my lungs. I’ve never had lung cancer but I’ve got the lungs of a four pack a day smoker and I don’t smoke.

I’m still worried about losing the house because of money back taxes and things like that. I’m really worried about how all of this is impacting or is going to impact my children. Here’s something new. Now I’m diabetic. i’m having a hard time with changing my habits. The biggest problem…..I’m a cokeaholic. I have three or four a day. I’m not sure if it’s the sugar or the caffeine I do love my caffeine. If I could get that monkey off my back I’d do ok with the rest.

The real reason I picked this up again today…..I need to vent. My best friend (who admittedly has been distant for about a year and a half) is moving back to Virginia. I love her like a sister. I’ve shared things with her I’ve never shared with anyone else. And now, she’s leaving. Even though she hasn’t really been talking to me (I’m not sure why she hasn’t said and I’ve asked several times) this hurts like hell! I want to be happy for her. I am happy for her but my heart is breaking!!

Everyone always says “we’ll stay in touch” but it just doesn’t happen. I’m grieving! It’s funny, I always took comfort in the fact that when I died (which should be soon) Suzy would be here for my boys. I felt in my heart of hearts she would be here to help Scott and look out for the boys, make sure they didn’t forget me. That thought was always a great source of peace and comfort for me now……it’s gone. My heart is so heavy and I can’t even tell her this because I don’t want to add to her stress. That really wouldn’t be fair to her. AARRRRRGGGGGGGH!

I’ve done it again!

sharifisher — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 17:24:44 +0000

I have ruined yet another holiday. Because of my health and resulting medical bills my children had no Christmas! They (my beautiful baby boys) dealt with it all very well. They never complained or blamed me but, they just made the best of everything, we played games together and had fun.

Then my baby brother who I hardly ever get to see brought his BEAUTIFUL family to visit. He has three of the cutest little boys (second to my own of course) and a very genuine and sweet wife. They wanted us to go on an outing with them today, we don’t have the money but we were going then as usual I ruined that. I had a serious breathing attack and had to go to the hospital. Of course my boys were disappointed I’m sure my brother was as well. These days my specialty seems to be disappointing those I love.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed today will be a day of self loathing. That’s my second best thing.

Doctors arrrgh!

sharifisher — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 21:19:33 +0000

I took my sons to the doctor today for a checkup and some minor complaints. I should tell you two things. One I don’t run to the doctor very every little thing as a matter of fact I hate the doctor. Two I am a notorious rule follower. My sons have had their shots (the youngest IS a little over due for boosters). So, we went today to see which he was needing. The doctor told me (Ilove this) I needed to check with school nurse because for some reason their records weren’t up to date. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it part of their job to keep these records, so I can check with them on what’s needed. The school nurse I have to check with the schol nurse.

On top of this, we waited for over an hour with people who had appointments at the same time as our appointment.Doctors really are God they can be in three places at once. I know I know I’m bitching. I can’t help it, these things really drive me crazy. You sit in an over crowded waiting room with people hacking on you, just so when it’s finally your turn you can get the bums rush out.

I am very fortunate, my sons are pretty well behaved. They also know the drill and will prepare (bring something to occupy their time). However, not all children are like this and they are allowed to run around in a very Small place making a nuisance of themselves. I love kids. I do my best to help occupy them. But, in this small space it’s not easy. I don’t know maybe I’m just cranky. I hate the doctor!

WTF

sharifisher — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 02:58:56 +0000

I have a friend who is very fond of the expression WTF. I won’t fill in the initials I’m sure you can figure it out. I bring this up because the older I get the more often I find myself in that RCA dog position, which is sort of the cleaned up version of WTF. My son was (with several of his friends) repairing the sidewalk in front of our house. They are an odd collection of young people. (22-25) I found it very interesting watching them come and go. With each new coming and going there was the standing and analyzing the current progress of the sidewalk. I went out at one point and there was this girl I had never met before swearing and spitting, she would have made any construction worker proud. Now, having been accused myself of being then a little butch I was in fact taken aback by this girl.

I don’t bring this up to judge. My personal opinion is the only one you have to please is yourself, be who you are. What was truly surprising was this girl with thisgroup of young men. These are the guys who chase the cheerleaders, they drool (as most men do) over the super model. So, I am watching trying to dis cypher the dynamic.

After about twenty minutes this s what I came up with. She worked harder stopping less, complaining less, she kept them going. I find it interesting that although, none of them would admit to it, they worked better while she was there in what I can only assume an attempt to prove their physical superiority. Can you believe it? That kind of macho crap in this day and age. WTF

Irony

sharifisher — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 17:37:21 +0000

Today, after taking a few phones call I wish I hadn’t, I realized life is full of irony. For instance if you (like me) were having finacial troubles and needed help, there are plenty of people who will offer until they find out you have no money. Talk about irony “we’ll lend you money if you have money”. “We’ll help you, oh no never mind you’re poor”. Or, even better yet the doctor. The doctor who wants you to have a ton of test to confirm what YOU already told them was wrong. Then when it’s confirmed…………oh, I am sorry we can’t help you.

Where is he real help for those who need help??? You know what I want, I want someone who give me a hand up getting my life back on track. I don’t want or expect a handout, I wouldn’t take it anyway. I want a doctor to tell me “yes the test say you’re dying but, we’re NOT going to give up, we will help you and hold your hand while we try”. I want politicians to tell the truth. I want fairness at the gas pump and grocery store.

Yes I realize it’s a fairytale. I’m sorry. I know I’m asking for alot and it won’t happen in my life time. So, irony. financial help organizations that won’t help the poor, doctors who can’t heal the sick, elected officials who don’t know and don’t care about what the people want or need. I’d say that makes life ironic and more then a little said.

Today…….tears.

sharifisher — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 01:29:46 +0000

You don’t know me so none of this really matters. I’m sick. In 2000 I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I have also had breast cancer four times. Two years ago they told me I would be dead by Christmas. I am still here. s a result of all of this I have bad days, really bad days! This weekend has been one of those really bad days. I can’t breath and my lungs hurt, I cry and pray for the death they promised me. My sons are getting older although, still very young. I can’t handle the pain anymore and hate their faces when they see my pain. That pain, that pain hurts more then any physical pain I have ever or could ever experience. I can’t take that pain, I want to die. Please God, I want to die

Sunrise Sunset

sharifisher — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 15:26:58 +0000

I hate it when my life becomes cliche. My son (biological oldest) turned thirteen and I cried. Not because now that he’s older I’m older, I’m ok with that. We were teasing him, my husband is Jewish, So we’re were telling my son that if he had a Bar Mitzah he would be a man. That was all very funny, but it occurred to me that in many ways, although certainly not a man, he didn’t need me anymore. I know I know…..he still needs me but for fewer and fewer reasons.

I am also aware that this is how life is supposed to go. I am very proud of the people my sons are becoming. But, one of the most precious memories of Sam that I carry is from when he was an infant. Our early morning habit up until his brother was born, he would cuddle on my lap for an hour or more with a bottle or juice. There would be no noise no interruption only us. That’s been gone for awhile and I’m noticing less and less alone time with both of my babies, which aren’t babies anymore. I have once again become cliche!

The nerve

sharifisher — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 21:49:02 +0000

I am, to say the least fed up with the schools my sons attend. First the oldest (12) has the school nurse from hell. He went to her with a stomachache. He has been diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome (brought on no doubt by the stress of the new school). She ignored his stomach and examined his eyes and ears. She then proceeded to give him grief about his hair and hygiene. She calls me and tells me my son FAILED his eye test and that I (yes I) knew a year ago he needed glasses. I don’t know how she knows what I knew a year ago since he was in a different school. Stupid stupid woman.

Now my youngest, I have very strong and religious convictions. (I’ll not go into them now) One of the teachers at my son’s school took it upon herself to tell her classes and my son (11) who the country should be voting for, spent the entire lesson on this persons attributes. This person happens to be someone I have strong feelings against. I find them lacking in so many areas and offensive in others. This whole situation has seriously pissed me off!!! It is NOT the teachers place to teach political opinion any more then I would expect her to instruct my child in religion. I am the parent that is my job. My son is now conflicted about the adults in his life giving his such diverse points of view, one of which was very forceful about how right she was (not me). I am just amazed teachers no longer have to teach American history but, they can teach my son about whom I should vote for!

Just venting

sharifisher — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 20:58:50 +0000

Do you know what’s good about a blog? I do. You have a place to go and vent your frustrations and no one can interupt or tell you you’re wrong. Well, technically they can post that they think you’re wrong. But, if you want you can ignore them.

My life is in a bad cycle right now. I don’t have a job apparently nobody wants me. As a result I am financially well……..fubar I think that covers it accurately. And as I attempt to deal with all of this, my health takes yet another ugly turn. Oh, boohoo poor me. I really hate it when I get whiny!!! I’ll stop that NOW. I must say i do feel better just putting it all out there into the cosmos. See, venting is good that’s why pressure cookers have vents!!! Let it out I say!