Again…why?

•May 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I just finished up another round of intensive radiation. And I’m asking myself why. I’m sick I’m weak and pretty much useless. I have been fighting depression and suicide all of my life. So…..why did I bother to put myselg through this again. The doctors have told me there’s no hope.

The faces on my children when I’m sick like this are heart breaking.I can’t keep puting them through this it’s not fair. They deserve better then this. They deserve happier lives. All I’ve given them is heartache and worry and sacrafice.

Gee what a great mom.

It’s been awhile

•May 16, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I haven’t written in a while. It’s funny I thing it’s been at least a year if not two and nothings changed.  I’m dealing with cancer again. I can’t have a mastectomy because of the damage from the experimental treatment and the damage done to my lungs. I’ve never had lung cancer but I’ve got the lungs of a four pack a day smoker and I don’t smoke.

I’m still worried about losing the house because of money back taxes and things like that. I’m really worried about how all of this is impacting or is going to impact my children.  Here’s something new. Now I’m diabetic. i’m having a hard time with changing my habits. The biggest problem…..I’m a cokeaholic. I have three or four a day. I’m not sure if it’s the sugar or the caffeine I do love my caffeine. If I could get that monkey off my back I’d do ok with the rest.

The real reason I picked this up again today…..I need to vent. My best friend (who admittedly has been distant for about a year and a half) is moving back to Virginia. I love her like a sister. I’ve shared things with her I’ve never shared with anyone else. And now, she’s leaving. Even though she hasn’t really been talking to me (I’m not sure why she hasn’t said and I’ve asked several times) this hurts like hell! I want to be happy for her. I am happy for her but my heart is breaking!!

Everyone always says “we’ll stay in touch” but it just doesn’t happen. I’m grieving! It’s funny, I always took comfort in the fact that when I died (which should be soon) Suzy would be here for my boys. I felt in my heart of hearts she would be here to help Scott and look out for the boys, make sure they didn’t forget me. That thought was always a great source of peace and comfort for me now……it’s gone. My heart is so heavy and I can’t even tell her this because I don’t want to add to her stress. That really wouldn’t be fair to her. AARRRRRGGGGGGGH!

I’ve done it again!

•December 29, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I have ruined yet another holiday. Because of my health and resulting medical bills my children had no Christmas! They (my beautiful baby boys) dealt with it all very well. They never complained or blamed me but, they just made the best of everything, we played games together and had fun.

Then my baby brother who I hardly ever get to see brought his BEAUTIFUL family to visit. He has three of the cutest little boys (second to my own of course) and a very genuine and sweet wife. They wanted us to go on an outing with them today, we don’t have the money but we were going then as usual I ruined that. I had a serious breathing attack and had to go to the hospital. Of course my boys were disappointed I’m sure my brother was as well. These days my specialty seems to be disappointing those I love.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed today will be a day of self loathing. That’s my second best thing.

Doctors arrrgh!

•September 22, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I took my sons to the doctor today for a checkup and some minor complaints. I should tell you two things. One I don’t run to the doctor very every little thing as a matter of fact I hate the doctor. Two I am a notorious rule follower. My sons have had their shots (the youngest IS a little over due for boosters). So, we went today to see which he was needing. The doctor told me (Ilove this) I needed to check with school nurse because for some reason their records weren’t up to date. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it part of their job to keep these records, so I can check with them on what’s needed. The school nurse I have to check with the schol nurse.

On top of this, we waited for over an hour with people who had appointments at the same time as our appointment.Doctors really are God they can be in three places at once. I know I know I’m bitching. I can’t help it, these things really drive me crazy. You sit in an over crowded waiting room with people hacking on you, just so when it’s finally your turn you can get the bums rush out.

I am very fortunate, my sons are pretty well behaved. They also know the drill and will prepare (bring something to occupy their time). However, not all children are like this and they are allowed to run around in a very Small place making a nuisance of themselves. I love kids. I do my best to help occupy them. But, in this small space it’s not easy. I don’t know maybe I’m just cranky. I hate the doctor!

WTF

•September 19, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I have a friend who is very fond of the expression WTF. I won’t fill in the initials I’m sure you can figure it out. I bring this up because the older I get the more often I find myself in that RCA dog position, which is sort of the cleaned up version of WTF. My son was (with several of his friends) repairing the sidewalk in front of our house. They are an odd collection of young people. (22-25) I found it very interesting watching them come and go. With each new coming and going there was the standing and analyzing the current progress of the sidewalk. I went out at one point and there was this girl I had never met before swearing and spitting, she would have made any construction worker proud. Now, having been accused myself of being then a little butch I was in fact taken aback by this girl.

I don’t bring this up to judge. My personal opinion is the only one you have to please is yourself, be who you are. What was truly surprising was this girl with thisgroup of young men. These are the guys who chase the cheerleaders, they drool (as most men do) over the super model. So, I am watching trying to dis cypher the dynamic.

After about twenty minutes this s what I came up with. She worked harder stopping less, complaining less, she kept them going. I find it interesting that although, none of them would admit to it, they worked better while she was there in what I can only assume an attempt to prove their physical superiority. Can you believe it? That kind of macho crap in this day and age. WTF

Irony

•September 15, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Today, after taking a few phones call I wish I hadn’t, I realized life is full of irony. For instance if you (like me) were having finacial troubles and needed help, there are plenty of people who will offer until they find out you have no money.  Talk about irony “we’ll lend you money if you have money”. “We’ll help you, oh no never mind you’re poor”. Or, even better yet the doctor. The doctor who wants you to have a ton of test to confirm what YOU already told them was wrong. Then when it’s confirmed…………oh, I am sorry we can’t help you.

Where is he real help for those who need help??? You know what I want, I want someone who give me a hand up getting my life back on track. I don’t want or expect a handout, I wouldn’t take it anyway. I want a doctor to tell me “yes the test say you’re dying but, we’re NOT going to give up, we will help you and hold your hand while we try”. I want politicians to tell the truth. I want fairness at the gas pump and grocery store.

Yes I realize it’s a fairytale. I’m sorry. I know I’m asking for alot and it won’t happen in my life time.  So, irony. financial help organizations that won’t help the poor, doctors who can’t heal the sick, elected officials who don’t know and don’t care about what the people want or need. I’d say that makes life ironic and more then a little said.

Today…….tears.

•February 25, 2008 • 3 Comments

You don’t know me so none of this really matters. I’m sick. In 2000 I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I have also had breast cancer four times. Two years ago they told me I would be dead by Christmas. I am still here. s a result of all of this I have bad days, really bad days! This weekend has been one of those really bad days. I can’t breath and my lungs hurt, I cry and pray for the death they promised me. My sons are getting older although, still very young. I can’t handle the pain anymore and hate their faces when they see my pain. That pain, that pain hurts more then any physical pain I have ever or could ever experience. I can’t take that pain, I want to die. Please God, I want to die